About Me
Benjamin Walker Tay ★
2nd July 1991
NYP - SIT
CHC - N457 Moo ♥
LET'S TALK
Linkaways~
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Hey readers :)
Its been such a long and tiring week... Anyways, wednesday's presentation went well and i was kinda praised for it too. :)
Then friday i went to watch Iron Man 2 with my good friend claris :D And on the way there was kinda paiseh -.-ll I dont wanna mention here either... But the show was great :) Definitely worth watching in cinemas, just that not worth watching it twice coz for me, i will most probably fall asleep halfway... :X
After Iron Man 2 i headed to bugis to meet The Aunties, Willie and Adrian, while claris headed back home. :)
But the only Aunties who came were Fion & Shir.. The other 2 were at cgm....... So anyways, we had a long so called chilling session at kfc and at the same time we ate dinner there. Everyone was quite tired and sianed out.. Me, Fion and Willie didnt wanna go actually coz of our own reasons.. But we still went down coz we gave our word ( or at least thats the case for me.. ) I probably wouldnt even have gone if i didnt watch movie in the first place...
Well, we finally left bugis at about 9 almost 10 ? And it was kind of a long journey back home coz it made me think a lot of unnecessary stuff..
But to actually think back, i felt so left out.. The Walkers are like no longer in my life anymore.. Last Friday itself was like an outing without me.. QT had a crazy idea of waching Iron Man 2 in the middle of the night, and he only called R, B, WB, and others and didnt call me coz his reason was "Oh.. Ben is a church boy now.. He's gotta be a responsible young man and etc.. So he cant go out this late coz the next day he has to wake up early for church."
That was what R told me when i asked him why QT didnt call me along.. And it was on thursday when i asked R about this coz i saw him at the school's kou fu.. I was already so emotionally drained out.. I had no appetite to eat, and almost everything i did then was like making me on the verge to cry.. I feel so useless.. As a friend and as a person..
As a friend i feel so useless because i was supposed to be there for The Walkers.. But im not to them.. Everything i do most of the time with them, is always about them and they mean so much to be as brothers.. But now its like their fading away from my life.. And i seem to be fading away from their life as well.. QT also talked to me before that i always go for church on saturdays and now we cant meet much coz the only free day most of us have is on a saturday.. But i've already told him before that its already been a year that i've been dedicating my life to God on saturdays.. And it was only when i told him that, then did he realise its been a year that i've been going to church.. And i thought he would understand, but in the end he just criticizes even more.. R doesnt even seem to care at times any more... And R is like the closest to me among The Walkers.. It always feels that no one seems to understand any more.. Its like ever since i've dedicated my life to God on my saturdays, gradually no one calls me out on saturdays any more.. Even if its on birthdays they will make it seem like they're calling a VIP to come down when im already willing to go down whether or not they ask coz they mean alot to me and i would of course celebrate their birthdays.. But apparently im like this VIP to them now that rarely appears.. This is like a proof of how much a friend i am to them at the moment.. Is it just me being so stupid and useless or is it just my wrong judgement, thinking that they would understand ? I feel so fucked up.. After finally being in church for a year, it just ends up in 1 circle. I end up being the same person i was last year, just that im slowly losing The Walkers and apparently i mean nothing to them now.. Was it really the right choice to go for God after all ? Although it has been great during the past 1 year in church, it feels that i lose out more that what i gain.. In certain areas, i lost my friends, my family, and etc.. I've sacrificed so much that it feels that losing more doesnt even make it difference.. Probably losing God as well doesnt mean a thing either.. I would probably just go back to the Ben i was before.. Just being that simple old ben. Perhaps my life would be easier this way.. Then i wont have to go through so much emotional turmoil from both The Walkers and G.
As a person, i feel so useless because, i cant even keep the people whom i want to have in my life any more.. The Walkers are fading away, I'm being let down by G over and over again, My classmates thinks that i'm not interested about them, and no one in my life could possibly understand how i feel now. Dan mentioned about me, saying that im the most S guy in the cg. ( S = Sensitive ) He's right.. And to me, it sucks being so S. No one will understand how much emotional turmoil i've been through for the last few months.. Its just been so tiring, a battle after another.. And when it comes to my battles, no one is there for me. Its just me myself and I, and God, at times who are fighting the battles..
Should i just disappear from all my friends and just be alone ? Coz with or without them, it always seem that i have to deal with it alone, coz no one can understand or at least stick with me all the way to go through what i go through.. And please, dont give me all the spiritual answers.. I dont need it now. What i need are practical answers. Answers that can actually help, not just a lecture or whatsoever...
At the end of the day thinking to myself, have i made the correct decision ? The correct decision of becoming whatever i have become today.. To me, this current Ben, in certain areas is not the way i want it to be, but i dont have a choice either.. And of course there are correct decision as well, but at the same time these correct decisions incur so much casualties to not only myself but to certain people as well.
Well, Looking at it now, basically 60-80% of my life seems fucked up now.
I guess this is it for today's post.
Gotta rush off to do what i do on Saturday.
Bye Readers~