If God Brings You To It, He Will Bring You Through It~

Monday, November 9, 2009

Had a bad morning today.... i slept at 1am++ yesterday, woke up at 12 30pm if im not wrong... kinda had a bad headache...
I washed up, took my breakfast to eat, saw the newspaper cutting my mum placed on my table about the M1 promotion of the blackberry phone, and i was talking to her about it and etc.
Then i told her i gotta go out and study coz this coming week has presentation plus quiz.. so she asked me, remember to tell your father... go and talk to him. I just replied for what... every time i talk to him i always get scolded for no reason and he always vents his anger on me. I just felt it was so unfair that i'm being treated like this. The last time where i had a normal conversation was like NEVER? That time when gavyn came over to stay at my house, i listen to my mum, and tried to have a normal conversation with my dad, apparently i was "talking back" to him, so he decided to vent whatever anger he had onto me :) in front of gavyn. Well thanks dad :) Thank you so much for ever being there for me since young and etc, thank you for your support in my life. Just that one day if you suddenly realise that your son isnt here anymore, dont ask why and just think back of how you have treated me.
My mum was like try to forgive your dad, he has so much troubles and etc. I was like, that still doesnt give him the right to throw all his anger at me what? What did i do that make him wanna use me as his anger throwing doll ? I am your son after all ? cant you just understand that im not here for you to throw your anger at ? Then the emotional war just came, and things just go out of hand. I really got pissed off, and all my mum did was just to aggravate me even more and invoke all the hatred in me to spill out, and i relentlessly just said this to her, if i could leave why shouldnt i ? firstly this house isnt filled with love and support, one of my parent doesnt care, the other cares, but im just here for him to be treated like shit. So what is there for me to look for? Both of you have just caused so much hurt in my life that i dont even want, but i still have to face you and him every single day. If you asked me when was the last time when all 4 of us have come together and had a happy time, my answer was NEVER. I could not remember a time where all of us were happy. I never had their emotional, physical and mental support. Every year it would be just scoldings after scoldings about my bad results and etc.
But now that i have a good start, just leave me alone. I told her that before. I just wish that she would just leave me alone and just leave me be.
I already decided, the moment i start working and etc, i will make sure i earn back the money my parents used for me during my poly and pay them back in full. And after i pay them back, i am never stepping one foot into that cursed house ever again. I will make sure that i will not be like them when i have my own family. I will make my own way, and never to see them again. The hurt that they have caused, i dont know if i will ever forget it. As i type this now, all i can do is just feel the sadness i have in my aching heart about them. Sometimes i really wonder, why cant my parents just be more understanding, especially my mum, who has watched me grow up and i was much closer to her than my dad. She should understand me like the back of her hand, but disappointingly no. Memories of my happy childhood just werent there. I only have memories of the bad times, but i have none of the good ones.
The worst part of the day was knowing that i have work in order to support myself, as my allowance is depleting to the minimum already...
Im glad i left the house today to go and study with willie, adrian, shir and vanessa :)
It would be better than staying at home, and facing my parents which would probably just aggravate me even more..
Today's study session wasnt too progressive for me.. The stupid headache was killing me and i could barely concentrate for long hours...
I'm sorry guys if today i wasnt so responsive and etc... i just had so much feelings invoked in me. Although you may see me laugh, smile and etc, but when i was finally alone, playing sudoku.. i just had these thoughts flowing through and i really hated it..
I'm good at concealing my emotions, i wonder if thats a good thing or bad thing..
Thats for you all to decide uh ?

Oh wells, 9am tomorrow once again..
Anyone wanna fast with me tomorrow too ? :)


About Me Benjamin Walker Tay ★ 2nd July 1991 NYP - SIT CHC - N457 Moo ♥ LET'S TALK Linkaways~ Carmen~ Clarice~ Claris~ Eelynn~ Fion~ Isabel~ Gavyn~ Gift~ Grace~ Michelle~ Sebas~ Wei Loon~ Willie~ Xin Wen~	Monday, November 9, 2009 Had a bad morning today.... i slept at 1am++ yesterday, woke up at 12 30pm if im not wrong... kinda had a bad headache... I washed up, took my breakfast to eat, saw the newspaper cutting my mum placed on my table about the M1 promotion of the blackberry phone, and i was talking to her about it and etc. Then i told her i gotta go out and study coz this coming week has presentation plus quiz.. so she asked me, remember to tell your father... go and talk to him. I just replied for what... every time i talk to him i always get scolded for no reason and he always vents his anger on me. I just felt it was so unfair that i'm being treated like this. The last time where i had a normal conversation was like NEVER? That time when gavyn came over to stay at my house, i listen to my mum, and tried to have a normal conversation with my dad, apparently i was "talking back" to him, so he decided to vent whatever anger he had onto me :) in front of gavyn. Well thanks dad :) Thank you so much for ever being there for me since young and etc, thank you for your support in my life. Just that one day if you suddenly realise that your son isnt here anymore, dont ask why and just think back of how you have treated me. My mum was like try to forgive your dad, he has so much troubles and etc. I was like, that still doesnt give him the right to throw all his anger at me what? What did i do that make him wanna use me as his anger throwing doll ? I am your son after all ? cant you just understand that im not here for you to throw your anger at ? Then the emotional war just came, and things just go out of hand. I really got pissed off, and all my mum did was just to aggravate me even more and invoke all the hatred in me to spill out, and i relentlessly just said this to her, if i could leave why shouldnt i ? firstly this house isnt filled with love and support, one of my parent doesnt care, the other cares, but im just here for him to be treated like shit. So what is there for me to look for? Both of you have just caused so much hurt in my life that i dont even want, but i still have to face you and him every single day. If you asked me when was the last time when all 4 of us have come together and had a happy time, my answer was NEVER. I could not remember a time where all of us were happy. I never had their emotional, physical and mental support. Every year it would be just scoldings after scoldings about my bad results and etc. But now that i have a good start, just leave me alone. I told her that before. I just wish that she would just leave me alone and just leave me be. I already decided, the moment i start working and etc, i will make sure i earn back the money my parents used for me during my poly and pay them back in full. And after i pay them back, i am never stepping one foot into that cursed house ever again. I will make sure that i will not be like them when i have my own family. I will make my own way, and never to see them again. The hurt that they have caused, i dont know if i will ever forget it. As i type this now, all i can do is just feel the sadness i have in my aching heart about them. Sometimes i really wonder, why cant my parents just be more understanding, especially my mum, who has watched me grow up and i was much closer to her than my dad. She should understand me like the back of her hand, but disappointingly no. Memories of my happy childhood just werent there. I only have memories of the bad times, but i have none of the good ones. The worst part of the day was knowing that i have work in order to support myself, as my allowance is depleting to the minimum already... Im glad i left the house today to go and study with willie, adrian, shir and vanessa :) It would be better than staying at home, and facing my parents which would probably just aggravate me even more.. Today's study session wasnt too progressive for me.. The stupid headache was killing me and i could barely concentrate for long hours... I'm sorry guys if today i wasnt so responsive and etc... i just had so much feelings invoked in me. Although you may see me laugh, smile and etc, but when i was finally alone, playing sudoku.. i just had these thoughts flowing through and i really hated it.. I'm good at concealing my emotions, i wonder if thats a good thing or bad thing.. Thats for you all to decide uh ? Oh wells, 9am tomorrow once again.. Anyone wanna fast with me tomorrow too ? :)